Worrying and stress are actually good things. A lot of people don't think that, but worry is how we get to solutions. And when I talk to my clients, I tell them, worry well.
The phrase I have anxiety is everywhere right now, even young kids use it as a reason they can't do certain things or go to school. But are we really all developing anxiety disorders? Or have we started labeling normal human worry and stress as anxiety, and how do we tell the difference? I have brought on our very own therapist at uplift for her Monet cash to discuss these things with us. Monet specializes in helping women understand what's happening in the brain when we get anxious and what to do about it. I know that the world can feel really heavy right now, between what's going on in the news, what's going on in our families, what's going on all around us, sometimes it just feels like too much. So how do we navigate this modern life without living in a constant state of overwhelm? Monet is going to dive into all of that for us today and give us the answers with some really practical tools and strategies you can start using today. So let's dive in.
And so when it starts to affect others, you know that's that it becomes a huge problem, and again, you don't have to suffer. There's solutions to this.
Monet we're talking about anxiety. Give us an overview of how big of a concern is that in the women around us today?
Well, it's probably the number one concern. There's no way around that, really, and I think that's the fast paced world that we live in now. And so, yeah, that's probably the number one concern from everybody that I see is just a lot of worry and concern,
and how does that cause a problem? I know that seems like an obvious question, but with so much anxiety or worry, why is that a problem?
It's not a problem unless it's, you know, something that persists, right? And it starts to cause a lot of dysfunction in our lives and robs us of our peace. Obviously, that would become problematic. So one of the things that I do, in addition to tools for assessments and specifically for generalized anxiety disorder, which is generalized, there's a lot of specific things as well. But one of the things that I like to do in my just in doing this for 25 years, is in person, interviews are so much more valuable to me than a written assessment tool. I look for three areas. I really dial into three different areas when I do an assessment for generalized anxiety disorder. I also want to know if they've been self diagnosing, right? I think a lot of us do that, even in our speech, just, you know, talking to other people, we kind of label ourselves with that. And all of us feel that emotion. Anxiety is a feeling just like sadness or excitement or worry. I mean, it's just a feeling, but when you take it to the level of being disordered, yeah, that's very different.
I think that's a really important key. And something that we learned in medical school too, is with any sort of mental health, there's a symptom which is just a symptom. I feel sad, I feel worried. I feel anxious that in and of itself, is not a disorder. It's one of the key components of it being a disorder is when it really starts to affect your life, adversely and cause problems. I've heard you talk about this idea of generalized anxiety disorder versus worry or stress or feeling anxious, but worry stress walk us through each of those components. Start first with generalized anxiety disorder. I think a lot of people think that they at least what they say to me is, I have anxiety, but how do you know if you have anxiety? Or what the other thing I hear people say is, of course, I'm stressed. I'm a mom, or I'm, you know, I'm busy working, or I live in this world, like, of course, I'm stressed. Like, that's not anxiety. I'm just stressed. Walk us through kind of the difference between those three categories of the worry, stress and then generalized anxiety disorder.
So Generalized Anxiety Disorder, there's three areas that I like to look at, in addition to a lot of the assessment tools, the first one would be persistence. You know, how long has this persisted? And so duration makes a difference, right? And so I like to know historically, what has gone on if it's an adult. And I mostly work with adults, I like to know what they were like as a child, what their concerns were, what some of their their behaviors, you know, and if they can't remember, to ask somebody, what was I like as a child, you know, was I calm? Was I always worried? Was I did I have nightmares?
So some people say I've always been a worrier. Yes, exactly.
So, you know, how long is it persisted? What is the duration? And things like that are pretty important. And then the other thing is, how pervasive is it? You know, is this something that is affecting all areas of your life? When somebody is going through a divorce, that's a specific stressor, right? We should have all these feelings associated with loss when we're going through a divorce, but when that particular stimulus is absent or gone, we go on to the next problem, and we still have these feelings, but it's a new problem that's very pervasive, right? And it's very telling. With Gad, with somebody that has a disorder, when they're they're just on to the next topic. And so the extreme dysregulation continues on, even though the stimulus is gone.
So in this case, what does that look like in the brain? What is actually the experience for the patient that they describe when they're jumping from worry to worry to worry? What does that actually feel like for them?
Well, they will tell me things like, I can't let things go. That's probably the biggest one. They will also talk about how they have this extreme need for control, and the more they try to control, the less they have and so that's how it plays out. Those two areas are what I hear a lot that's out
persistent and pervasive, where it's like, no matter what the circumstances of their life are, they can always find something that is really quite distressing to them, really overwhelming or stressful or worrisome too.
Yes, exactly, okay. And another thing I look at with pervasiveness is, does the response fit the stimulus? So? Are they over exaggerating? It? Is it? Is it bigger? You know, are they feeling like the consequence is huge, when, in reality, it's really not a huge, you know, impact,
and that can be really difficult. I think that's also one of the evidences of it being maybe more of a mental health condition, is when you do kind of lose some self awareness there. I've struggled with depression long ago, and that was one of the things, even with like bad PMS, where you realize you don't quite have an accurate view of your own life. It feels so real, it feels so hard, or so down or so anxious. I don't necessarily have that accurate view of if this is in perspective to the stimulus or not, right? I just know this feels so real and so overwhelming and so scary and so that's sometimes the that awareness, I think, can come of like, Oh, I'm kind of freaking out about something that's not very big, but that connection can be really difficult to draw when it's your brain. Yes, telling you that this is so
scary, yes, it's true and it feels rational. Yes, people will say, I really feel like I'm justified in Yes, and that's why I'm really proud of my patients and my clients that are willing to get a, you know, a neutral party and say, you know, is this normal? Is this not normal. This is what's what it feels like internally, and I can't tell the difference. And so when they come in and they want another opinion that can be, you know, we all have blind spots that can be really freeing for them. So I'm always really proud of their courageousness for wanting that. Because you don't have to live that way. Somebody who's done that for a lifetime, they don't know, right? So, like you don't, it just
feels like normal coping, it does. Yeah, yeah, for sure. Now, you mentioned three P's. You said persistence and pervasiveness, right? What's the third P that helps us identify whether this is an more anxiety disorder versus, we'll go next to the worry and stress.
So the third one is performance. And so if your performance in life, in, you know, in work, in school, whatever your thing is, if that's impacted in an extreme way, that's a big deal. That's a disorder. And I'll give you an example. This is somebody that I actually worked with a few years ago, but she talked about how she was starting to avoid work promotions because fear of, you know, not measuring up or leveling up. It could be somebody that I worked with also a few years ago where she was late for work every day because she had a fear of going across bridges, and so she would take an hour to get to work instead of a half hour when she could go over bridges. You know, that's that's really interfering with your daily functioning? Yeah, it could be somebody that's trying to control to the point where maybe it's, it's food or whatever, and they're late for different things because, you know, they can't decide what to eat. Or, I mean, it can play out in so many different things, in personal life, professional life, but performance, you know, daily functioning problem? Yeah, maybe getting getting ready is a chore for some people because they don't know what to wear and they're worried about what other people might think of them. And should I dress this way or this way? I mean, just getting dressed for some people can be, you know, a one hour ordeal. And, you know, that's That's no way to live on a daily basis. Now.
Why is it important that we recognize in ourselves, if this is more of a generalized anxiety disorder or anxiety versus where we're going next is to worry and stress? Why does it matter that we differentiate
worrying and stress are actually good things. A lot of people don't think that, but worry is how we get to solutions. And when I talk to my clients, I tell them, worry. Well, worry, well is like that ball of yarn, and we're trying to figure it out and get to a linear solution. And so worry actually brings solution. Stress motivates us, you know, usually, and it keeps us safe, right? You know all about the stress response. It alerts us to dangers. That's a good thing. That's what's helped us evolve over the years. So stressors can be good. It's again, how long we allow them to stay and how pervasive they become, and worrying brings solutions. So it becomes a problem, because especially in relationships, it can really impact other people, right? And so it's not, yes, there's this internal angst going on, but there's also relationships, especially if you're a parent, you often see that passed on to children, and so when it starts to affect others, you know that's that becomes a huge problem. And again, you don't have to suffer. There's solutions to this.
Okay, so before we go on to the solutions, I want listeners to maybe be able to identify in themselves, kind of which direction they're going, although recommend to that they seek the help of a professional for someone who's listening and wondering, well, how do I know if what I have is just a really rough stage of life right now, in the world, there are so many things to be nervous about, right there's so Many things to be scared about. I've heard people saying politics has really revved up their system. They're just stressed all the time by politics. I think the things our children are going through and wondering if they're going to be okay, that can be legitimately stressful. So how do we know if it is a reasonable, rational worry that we should be attentive to, because it's so so helpful, and it helps breed solutions versus if this is anxiety, and we actually need to learn new tools.
So as you know, there's a huge physiological component to it. So there's a difference between somebody who has a headache and tension in their shoulders versus somebody who struggled with IBS and their digestive system is not functioning. Maybe they've gained or lost a lot of weight or the last few months, or, you know, any any kind of chronic physiological problem is a big indicator that it's more of generally, it's more of a disorder. Usually when people feel stress for a time again, the duration is short, and when the stimulus leaves, they return to normal. Their digestive system returns to normal. They're able to calm down. If somebody is not having any peace at all, and there's this constant worry going on and they're having physiological symptoms, that's a huge sign that it's more than just stress.
What does that feel like to a person you've just kind of described it from the inside. What list? What does that look like in a brain that is maybe more regulated or, you know, doing things, quote, unquote, the right
way here, you know, one of the solutions to this problem is retraining the brain. And so what it feels like for a lot of people is impending doom. Is something I hear a lot is catastrophizing, right? And so when they describe to me what it's like in their world, you know, politics or the news, or any external thing, they go to the worst case scenario, and that feels very overwhelming to them, and they can't really get any calm or peace even in the course of a day. And then obsession starts. So they'll take it to the next level and obsess over it. And I'll give you an example of this with my nephew. Actually, this was years ago, when he was three years old. He only wanted to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and he did that for a solid year, and I can remember that certain people in his life would say he's going to be now malnourished. This is the beginning of an eating disorder. Our brains go to that worst case scenario when we're disordered now, when it's just, you know, stress or worry, we might use humor and kind of joke about that, but we don't really believe it's going to lead to that. And so that's just one small example of when we become really obsessive and we we can't regulate because we are so emotionally dysregulated that we can't get to that rational mind, which is, let's, let's have some evidence based thinking here that evidence based thinking goes right out the window with people who have, you know, long term anxiety disorders, there's no evidence. Oftentimes, yeah, you know that it's going to this is going to lead to this, or
they're worried that something's going to happen, but there's not a lot of evidence to support. Have you ever tried red light therapy at uplift for her? We are. Big fans, and we and I use it ourselves regularly. Red light therapy helps support energy healing, reduce inflammation and improve skin health, and there's more and more data to support that. One of my favorite at home options is the loom box, a powerful, clinical grade device that combines red light with near infrared light, so you're getting both surface level and deeper tissue support. It's easy to use and makes consistent red light therapy actually doable. One of the things that I love about the loom box is how easy it is and how compact it is, so you can grab it out really quickly, use it while you're in bed getting ready to go to sleep, and then put it away and not have to unpack a big, complicated device. I use it most nights as I'm going to bed, mostly just for relaxation. I find I feel very calm and wake up with good energy. So it is one of my favorite wellness add ons. If you're thinking about adding it to your wellness routine, we have a link in the show notes that will save you $250 off of a loom box. You can also find it on our favorite products page at uplift for her.com now back to the show. What happens then, when there is some evidence, you know, when it says, like, for example, if it wasn't peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, but all they would eat is, you know, lollipops. Like, that's going to be a problem if they're only eating suckers, you know, for the for the full year. So when there is some evidence there. You're saying that, that maybe what our brains should be doing is saying, I'm worried that this is going to lead to some malnutrition, but then that should lead to research or seeking a doctor's help, or, you know, that should lead to action, instead of just spinning like, what's the bad thing that's going to happen and then maybe jumping 20 steps ahead and saying, Well, you know, I don't know. I deal with fertility. So I was here like, Oh, she's never going to be able to have babies. She's never going to get married. If all she's ever eating is suckers and she's three. You know, it would be more saying like, Oh, I'm worried about her. What's my next step? What's my proactive step? Because for me, that's what I hear you saying, is this rational, but like, proactive, like, I know what to do about this worry, I know, or at least I want to find the next step. If our brains are taking over with anxiety, is that something that leaves that ability to kind of take a proactive step? Yeah, and
I love that you said the word action, that is a big indicator when we can't take action, paralysis sets in. Yeah, with anybody that has a long term anxiety disorder, they're paralyzed. You know, it's, it's the freeze right in in the brain. You know, one of the things that I remember Brene Brown saying is successful people don't have an absence of fear, they actually have a presence of courage, and so the courage would be action oriented. I love that. In fact, fear actually is a sign of growth. Anytime we're doing something that we're uncertain about, or we have any kind of uncertainty, that's actually a sign that we're growing, right? We're figuring it out, or we're trying something new, we don't have it down. That's that's actually a positive thing. Feeling fear is a sign of growth. And so I try to teach clients that, but also in terms of having more courage, I will give people different exercises where they learn how to tolerate distress a little bit better, and just having courage get you out of that paralysis. And I think that's the scariest thing about you know, genuine anxiety disorders is the paralysis, and when you feel stuck, you feel powerless, you feel like you don't have options, you can't take action. And so I just love that you brought that up in terms of taking action. We need to, and we can. We are capable of feeling the fear and doing it anyway. We are capable of feeling anxious thoughts, having anxious thoughts, and feeling anxious feelings and still pushing through it.
I love that you say that, because I think when we talk about feeling anxious, it feels like the resolution of that is zero worry, right? We should be hunky dory. We should feel like everything is fine and peaceful. And that's where I think people get really stuck, is because they see the evidence of potential danger, quote, unquote, around them. You know what? If this bad thing happens, it could that bad thing could happen, and living in that knowledge of there are risks out there is not necessarily the problem, right? It's allowing it to rule us, right? The problem? Yes. So you mentioned being proactive, this idea about, forgive me the quote, instead of having fear, you want to have courage. What was it?
Yeah, it's not the absence of fear. We're not waiting for fear to go away, yeah, fear is not going anywhere, yeah, but it's the presence of courage.
So how do you do that? Then, how does one say, like, Okay, I'm in a stressful situation. I think about some of the things that I see my patients with you mentioned, you know, marriage struggles, or, you know, my teenagers are making really poor decisions that I'm I'm legitimately worried are going to affect the rest of their lives. Or. Worry that my kids are not developing healthy, or I see my grown adults who are, I think, messing up their lives. These are the things that people tell me are really the biggest causes of worry for them. So legitimate worry, the presence of fear is you're telling us is not the problem, right? So how does someone in that situation bring in courage? What do they do?
So a lot of people don't like my answer. The answer is to get comfortable with discomfort, yeah, or to cultivate grit, yeah. And if, historically, again, as a child, even we've been one of those people that has anxious thoughts that that takes a lot of work, right? We can rewire our brains, we know that now, but cultivating grit is something that all of us can do, no matter how long we've experienced. A lot of that. How do you cultivate grit? So I use DBT skills, and one of them is distress tolerance skills. And so my kids never like this answer, but I talk about prolonged suffering as a really great tool in life.
Sounds great. I think we're we're all on board, right? Who doesn't
want a little more suffering? Yeah. So an example of this would be, this is a parenting perspective, but maybe a seventh grader has a math teacher that has a poor reputation. Your child will never learn from this math teacher. He's awful. I would transfer your child out, just put him, you know, in a different class. And maybe, if you're trying to teach your children a little bit of distress tolerance, you would say, You know what? This is just one example of how we're going to encounter difficult people and difficult situations in life. And so we're we're not going to transfer just yet, but let's stay in this math class and let's just kind of see what happens. And then you can teach your children skills for managing difficult teachers, difficult people. Maybe it's a kid in class instead of transfer them out, maybe you wait a little while and teach them some skills for coping with this difficult person, because that's real life, like, if it's not seventh grade math, it's going to be, you know, your first co worker, or something in college, or whatever course you decide to go on. So learning to tolerate distress is something that a lot of people and parents are getting away from one of my good friends is a child development psychologist, and she has a practice with just treating children, and she notices the difference between parenting and 20s versus people who are parenting, you know, in 40s, in their 40s or 50s, and there's this need to rescue, and I don't want to see my child suffer. I want to prevent them from that. And it's really hard as a parent to watch your child fail. One of my more difficult times was when my daughter went to state in swim team, and it was a relay race, and she had an early start and got dequeued, so the entire team was disqualified, and I had a parent next to me that said, That's ridiculous. You go down and you talk to the judges and, you know, reverse that, do something about it. And, you know, I didn't. I chose to let that be a natural teacher, a natural consequence, so hard to watch, so pain, because it wasn't just her that was suffering. She also had her peers to answer to. She was affecting the whole team. It wasn't just an individual relay. So that's just an example of a time that was really hard for me to hold myself back and not take action. Sporting events is a great time to practice some of those skills as a parent and not intervene and kind of let natural consequences happen. If they lose, they're going to learn more from those bosses than they will the wins. But as parents, and especially young parents, like my friend said, in parents that are in their 20s, they don't like to see their their children suffer. And I mean, I guess suffering, you can define that term in different ways, right? Like if it's an ill there's so many different things that you do, anytime intervene, yeah, but just just learning to maybe not rescue so quickly, maybe learning to respond a little bit slower. Let your child figure it out first, when a child comes to you because they're fighting with their sibling, you know, give them the opportunity to work that out, instead of take action and give them the solutions. So all of these are little, small forms of cultivating grit, and it can even be something as easy as temperature, like, you know, a kid that's out in the cold, you know, instead of letting them get warm right away. I mean, this sounds probably pretty brutal, but, you know, don't be so quick to comfort. It's okay, you know, if it's not a life threatening situation, it's okay for them to experience a little bit of discomfort, whether it's temperature or heat or, you know, you know, if they're shivering after getting out of the pool, you know, we don't, we don't have to respond right away. We can kind of let them learn how to regulate temperature and regulate emotions. But I think that a lot of the problems with anxiety to. Disorders right now is just not having the ability to get comfortable with discomfort, and there is always going to be uncertainty, and learning how to sit with that uncertainty and still take action and not be paralyzed is the goal. And so cultivating grit is a great way to do that. And there's so many different skills on how to do that for my adult clients. I mean, it can be something as simple as go to a big room class and don't leave, you know, little tiny things that you practice in just that self control. And you know, we're not just talking about hot yoga. We're talking about the 109 degree and 50% humidity for 90 minutes, like, just stay in the room. You don't have to do anything. Little things like that will start to build and reset your brain and build confidence. And in terms of parenting, I think that a lot of times we forget that confidence comes from doing things yourself. It's not from your parents doing it for you, and so giving your children or loved ones opportunities to do things for themselves, that's where self confidence comes from.
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And I mean, our goal is to prepare them for real life, right? And so oftentimes we're doing a disservice to our loved ones when we're too protective, because you're right, then you get out in the real world and you don't have the skills necessary to cope, and then that is a long standing, you know, anxiety disorder, and that's that's again, unnecessary to live that way. You don't have
to live that way. And I think this is true for parents who have children of any age, yes, right, as much parents who have adult children as parents who have young children? Yes, for sure.
And you know, a lot of the older children, they have social issues, right? And so sometimes parents want to intervene with the social issues. And again, it's really difficult to watch your child maybe be excluded, but teaching them the skills that they need, or letting them sit with that discomfort for a little while. Can be a real good teacher for them, you know. And they have to learn how to do that, and they have to be the ones to sit with that discomfort.
Yes, that was my next question. Yeah. So as you're teaching your children grit, I think that will trigger anxiety, and a lot of parents, you know, of this worry of, I hope this works like I hope nothing bad happens. I hope my kid, you know, comes out stronger on the other side. And like you said, Of course, this isn't these aren't circumstances that you're Cavalier with and that are in danger. You know, that would be little things. But how does a parent then learn to sit with that discomfort? It's almost easier to have your own personal physical discomfort than it is as a mother to watch your children struggle. It's socially, physically. You know, we all just want them to be happy. So how does a mother learn how to to sit with that discomfort?
So two things, first of all, don't burden other people, especially children, with too much information. So a lot of times we think that more information is helpful. So we'll tell our child, you know, this can lead to this. Maybe it's experimental drug use or whatever. Well, that's a gateway drug. You know, you're going to be in the ER with, you know, these are all the terrible things that will come up and or giving them too much information. Maybe that we have, it needs to be age appropriate, but So number one, don't burden people, especially our children, with too much information. They don't need to know you are the one that needs to work through that by talking to either a spouse or talking to a friend or talking to a mental health specialist. We don't have to do it ourselves, because we do spin out of control. And so really, processing that with another adult can be extremely helpful. And so support is how you do. It is you seek support,
and through that support, learning to sit with your own discomfort, which is that grit and courage that you were talking about.
Yes, and another tool that works really good for that distress tolerance, and we hear so much about it, is meditation, but the meditation is part of just being quiet and sitting in silence. And as these worries come up, it's really hard to not spin and get even worse. And over time, meditation teaches you how to sit with that and notice it and let it go, or maybe not let it go, but at least notice it. Just sit with it. And there's so much research on meditation just 20 minutes day, and you have to learn how to do it. I didn't even know how to do it until I actually went to a retreat on meditation. And it really can change your brain in the way you process information. But how many of us really sit quietly, you know, during a day and and not have to really come up with a solution, but just sit there and see what comes up and feel all the feelings, not very many, many of us do that.
I think that's something I've learned through mindfulness practices that you bring up, is this idea again, going back, we think it's all or nothing. We think that like, either my thoughts are ruling the roost and they're taking over and I can't be still in mindfulness because my brain just wants to solve every problem, or I have a completely clear, empty mind, and I can't get there so I won't bother, you know, and there's so much middle ground of one of the tools I've been taught is, you know, when you acknowledge that there's a worry coming in, you don't say go out. You don't say be gone. That's right, you just say step aside. Like I'm my focus is right here in front of me. Will you step out of where I'm looking? It's like line of vision, right? Will you just step aside a little bit? You can stay but I'm not going to give you my full attention right now. And I think we we don't realize that there's that middle ground that we can live in.
So one of the main hallmarks of generalized anxiety disorder is rigidity, yeah, and not flexibility. And so that's why the treatment in terms of distress tolerance is about flexibility, is about being fluid and rigid thoughts are what keeps us stuck, right? And so I love that you said that middle ground and the meditation, again, a lot of people think it's thought stopping, and it's not, you know, like you said, you just step aside or you notice it, because there's a saying in psychology that what we resist persists. So I think the anxious person actually thinks that if they think about it too much, it will lead to something really extreme. And actually, we do need to think about it, and we do need to be silent so that it doesn't persist. And that's actually it will release over time. But, I mean, that's like, the worst thing you can say to somebody who's anxious is, this, go meditate. I mean, they look at me like that is my worst nightmare. I am not going to go be alone with my thoughts for 10 minutes like that will make my condition worse. It's not going to help at all. So, I mean, this is hard, right? It's hard, and there's
an order of operations too, right? Yes, you you may not be ready for certain things. Exactly, when you spoke, that reminded me of, like, whack a mole. I feel like our brains sometimes are when we're feeling anxious. It's like, Oh, get rid of that thought. Get rid of that thought. Oh, that thoughts back. Get rid of that thought. We don't realize, or maybe we do realize, it's exhausting. It's exhausting in our brains, and it's exhausting emotionally, and it's exhausting physically as well, to constantly be playing Whack a Mole with our thoughts. Of, like, don't stress about that, don't stress about that. Oh, what am I going to do about that? Oh, no. About that? Oh, no. Don't think that. It's it's completely overwhelming and exhausting. So you're saying just kind of let them be there for a minute and get used to them, get used to being worried about something. Yeah, exactly. And that's not the end of it. But no, that's the first step. Yeah. So I've heard anxiety described as focusing on the future and focusing on the past and missing out on what's in in the present. Will you explain that a little more?
Yeah, if you think about it, you know, the only thing that we have control over is the present moment, and you talked about control earlier. And so what makes anxiety disorders worse is staying too much in the past or worrying too much about the future, that's actually the least amount of control we have. If we're thinking about something that's already happened, it's the least control we have. And yet, that's where we think the answer lies, right? That's where we obsess. And so that's why these mindfulness practices that you can teach yourself that will actually give you the most control, but it feels counter productive when you're trying to do it.
You know, well, because you're scared, you're worried that if you stop thinking about what happened yesterday or what's going to happen, that something bad is going to happen. Yeah. And so the idea of letting go, of thinking about those things. To focus on the right now feels just more scary. So give us another tool then that someone can use to focus on the here and now. Besides meditation, is there anything else that people can try to say? Let me get out of the past and the future and just come to the now.
So I love slogans, I love quotes, I love again, some of the cognitive behavioral therapy that you can utilize. One of my favorite quotes is we suffer more in imagination than we do in reality. That was by one of the stoics. And so we will just kind of unpack that and talk about, you know, the truth in that, and get really specific and customized in terms of, what is it that you you know, if you were to write down a worry, put it away on a piece of paper, put it away for six months and pull it back out in six months, nine times out of 10, it probably never happened, you know. And so we kind of do these exercises that challenge that. So the thoughts, right? We kind of pay attention to those in the current moment, and then we reset those with more accurate thoughts, you know, so one of the thoughts that my client came up with a few months ago to get more present oriented is she said, whatever comes my way, I'll find a way to cope. And I loved that one, or, you know, so empowering, yeah, so empowering, right? Because that embraces uncertainty, but it doesn't leave us feeling so out of control that we can't take action. And it is like the brake and the accelerate. You have to figure out when to hit the brake and when to accelerate, but being right in the middle and staying stuck and too much on the brake or too much on the accelerator, that's no way to live, and that really, you know, taxes our nervous system, as you know, and leads to more physiological issues.
One of the words that we hear associated with anxiety a lot is, especially in therapy, is hyper vigilance. What is hyper vigilance?
So hyper vigilance mostly occurs in PTSD and post traumatic stress disorder. There is this overdrive that people have gone into for good reason, but the problem is that they stay in overdrive, and you no longer need that right back to the fear and danger. It's okay to feel fear and assess, am I in danger right now? And so hyper vigilance is about just misinformation that you are feeling like it's in the present moment and it was really from your past, or it's something that you're worried about in the future. And like you said, That's exhausting, that that state of hyper vigilance, where you're always watchful, and just, you know, on high alert, oh my goodness, that's exhausting. And number two, like, our brains really don't have to be tapped into that, right? We can switch over into the parasympathetic nervous system and have those hormones actually release that make us feel good naturally, but you're not going to do that automatically. You have to learn that you know, especially if you have any past trauma.
Well, it seems so self perpetuating with anxiety, because so much of it is based on our ability to stay safe. And if you've legitimately had a true danger, I always use the example of if you're walking through a parking lot and there's kind of a creepy guy in a hoodie 10 feet behind you, you're going to hurry to your car and you're going to get in and lock the doors, and your heart's going to keep beating. And if you hear a little noise in the back seat, your brain is going to say, that's that guy right, right? So it's it's not something that our brain is doing wrong. It's doing something right. It's saying that was legitimately risky. So I'm going to up regulate anything you perceive as extra risky for a little bit, but then it should go away and by the time we get home, or maybe, if it's a true danger, then maybe it takes a week to calm down, or however long, but then we start to be able to say, Okay, I'm not in danger right now. I might avoid that parking lot, but I'm okay right now in my house. But if we carry that with us, then everything we perceive our brain is going to interpret as more dangerous. And then around and around you go. So then the more you perceive danger, the more you see danger all around you, which makes you feel more endangered, and so on.
Exactly. It's a cycle. Yeah, yeah, that is so true. And so some of the things that I've taught people to do is focus on what you do have control over, which is like media consumption, right? So the person that's worried about politics or what's in the news or whatever they get to decide how much they listen to. They get to decide, you know, how much comes in. Some of that's out of your control, but most of it's in your control. And so we'll just set timers, you know, if somebody be informed, right? But don't be consumed by by that. And if you have a tendency to worry and you take it to the next level, then you really need to actually pay more closer attention and limit it even more than somebody else. So just these little tweaks in your everyday life can really make a difference. But yeah, the how much we consume, just in terms of the external world and some of the noise that is a lot, you know, in our control, a lot more than we think it
is, and that can be self perpetuating. Well, then the more you feel in control, and you feel like you have a control is a tricky word, because pros and cons, right? But the more you feel safe and in control, like empowered, I would say, then the more you feel empowered, and then you're viewing the world through a situation of, I am not at risk here. I am empowered to go do what I want to do and call the shots, and that's going to help regulate the body more as well. Yes, exactly as we wrap up here, are there any other things that we're missing that we should be talking about with this balance of anxiety or worry and stress?
Well, one thing that I wish would happen is that we we would change our language a little bit and just not use the like you said, I am my anxiety, or I have or I am this, you know, not being careful not to label ourselves, being careful not to self diagnose others as well as ourselves, right? But label it as a feeling. I'm feeling anxious, I'm feeling worried, I'm feeling concerned, I'm feeling sad instead of I have depression or I have anxiety, so really paying attention to our verbiage and really being accurate in describing our feelings, but not necessarily giving ourselves a label. You know, I have become my anxiety. Yes, exactly. And this is really important, especially with little children, is you can tell them, you know, it's okay, like anxiety is just a feeling. It's just a feeling you're feeling. What else do you right now? Yeah, and what else do you feel? Tell me more about that. So maybe getting a little more diversity and variety in expressing our feelings around that, right? So that's something that I wish we could change a little bit, and for myself, pay more attention to is we are not our labels. You know, even if you do have gad that's not who you are, that's something that you're treating and that's, you know, empowering to know that it's condition, but that's not who
you are, no and those diagnoses are only as good as they are. I mean, they're not.
It's just a language, usually, you know, a way to talk to say you need tools exactly, to identify that you mean, yeah, right, I would just say again, embrace fear. It's part of life. It's not going anywhere. Fear is not the problem. It's what we do with it and how we respond. That is important. One of the things that Viktor Frankl said in his book Man's Search for Meaning, which is one of my favorites, is he talks about between stimulus and response, there's a choice. And so I would encourage listeners to again, the response or the stimulus. You don't have control over right? Certain things are going to happen, but you do have control over this response. And so pay attention to that C in the middle. You know, between the stimulus and response,
there's always a joy. Yeah? Thank you so much for coming on Monet such an
important topic. Yeah, for sure. Thank you for having me.
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